High Conflict Divorce Coaching

Santa Clara University study “Confronting the Challenge of the High-Conflict Personality in Family Court” (Family Law Quarterly) underscores the challenges of divorcing a narcissist or other high-conflict individual. “Instead of the typical motivation toward settlement, these cases feature a party who is drawn toward, rather than away from, conflict. Whether animated by a genuine belief in their cause, anger over the loss of a relationship, a desire to harass their now-opponent, an affinity for the pageantry of court, or some combination of these factors and others, the litigious client presses the family law court into service. What distinguishes cases involving high-conflict personalities from these more typical disputes is that the individual with a high-conflict personality is not simply struggling to process a life transition. Instead, this individual is fueled by conflict; indeed, they obtain emotional or psychological gratification from it. One of the hallmarks of these cases is that the conflict is so protracted that it becomes normalized. Rather than progressing toward resolution, as time passes in these cases, the idea of a settlement grows increasingly remote.”.

Counter-parenting is when the unhealthy parent has so much hatred for the other parent that their judgment is impaired, and their actions towards the children are driven by revenge and anger. This person is unable to act in the best interest of their child and has no desire to move forward in a healthy manner. They use every opportunity to berate, criticize, or find fault with the healthy parent. They undermine the healthy parent by not following the child’s sleep schedule/routine, not taking the children to their activities, not following agreed upon limits for screens, withholding information, ignoring homework and school responsibilities, and denigrating the healthy parent to the children. They can use their scheduled parenting time schedule as a weapon and will enforce custody schedules that are not in the best interest of the child- often threatening to call the police to enforce “their time”. 

Parental Alienation” is not a scientific term and isn’t recognized by credible organizations (the American Psychiatric Association, United Nations Human Rights Counsel, World Health Organization, National Council of Juvenile and Family Court Judges). Despite this, the term “parental alienation” is commonly used in custody cases and it can carry a lot of weight with judges. A claim of “parental alienation” is initiated when the unhealthy parent’s own behavior, neglect or abuse causes the children to reject them, and they make a claim of “parental alienation” in an attempt to deflect the blame onto the healthy parent. Claims of “parental alienation” are commonly invoked as an effective legal strategy to distract from the fact that the unhealthy parent has caused the children to reject them, instead shifting the focus to the healthy parent. It’s crucial to ensure that you are doing everything you can to protect yourself and your children from these nefarious claims.

According to coercive control expert, Dr. Lisa A. Fontes, PhD., coercive control is a multipronged strategy that individuals use to dominate their intimate partners and maintain their own privileges. The abusers achieve that domination by instilling fear in their victims, cutting them off from their support systems, and denying them access to resources. Coercive control can include manipulation, gaslighting, sexual exploitation, financial control and emotional neglect and abuse. Because coercive control creates a power imbalance in the relationship, it can be extremely difficult for the victim to leave the relationship. 

The effects of coercive control in custody litigation can be significant. The abused parent may struggle with communication, display signs of anxiety or depression, and struggle to articulate the abuse they’ve experienced (without sounding “hysterical”). These behaviors can then cause judges and other professionals to reach erroneous conclusions about the family dynamics. Additionally, perpetrators of coercive control may use the legal system as a weapon by engaging in endless litigation and manipulating court processes as a method to continue to intimidate and harass their victims.